Its 3 am and I want to take my life. Another lonely day. Another lonely night. I am a ghost in this society. Seen and feared but never understood. You cant understand me until you understand yourself and the violent contradictions you represent and I once lived.
During the war, life lost its meaning and humans became just another livestock to be used at our disposal. Life is one violent cycle after another all in the creation of 'economy.'
I have destroyed life and in so doing destroyed myself. I am a dead man walking.

I have dreamed about slitting my wrists, putting a rifle in my mouth, and hanging myself. I have stacked bodies on my Humvee and watched as the strapped down lumps of flesh bounce across the hood at 35mph on a desolate desert highway between Ar Ramadi and Fallujah (known to the US and accompanied coalition as Route Gremlin)

I have smoked cigarettes over the dead and silently acknowledged the greatest fear I have, that with a single command, humans become caged animals fit for destruction.I remember the arrogance of a uniform. I remember searching vehicles, homes, businesses, neighborhoods, and offices, ordering people to be searched by dozens of young males armed to the teeth. I remember the crackling of the radio, waiting for permission to 'engage.' I remember the long hours spent watching people, I remember thinking that I was better then them. That I was somehow more human. I remember having a rifle attached to my body 24/7 for 2yrs between 2006-2008. I used my rifle more as a show of force then a tool of death but the message was consistent, Ive got the gun and youve got my orders

Reality. I know depression. I know suicide. I have had friends commit suicide. I have yet to attend a funeral for fear that I might be somewhat jealous. I would like to rest as well. Every day I hear about veterans taking their own lives and I get it. My life isn't worth shit, none of our lives are. We are caged animals awaiting destruction. Don't feel bad for the cow being led to the slaughter. With a little investigation you will find that you're in no better position.

I will not take my own life. If the government decides that I too am an animal fit for the cage or destruction so be it. But I have destroyed enough. I am a dead man walking and that means I have nothing to lose but my life. A cheap life. A life barely worth a few sentences in the local paper when I go. I was not a hero, I am nobody special. I am not a veteran. I am a survivor of war. And because I have nothing to lose I see no reason to take what little life I have left.

Revolution is the only solution.